We Have Gone Mad!
by remembertheginger
Summary: What happens when I kidnap KC characters? Read and find out. Warning: there's a lot of OOCness. Chapter 6: JAZ IS UP! SORRY FOR THE LONG WAIT!
1. Chapter 1

We Have Gone Mad!

**A/N: I realize that the characters here are OOC. That's the point. Don't mention it unless you want my OC Ro to freeze you. This is from my POV; please remember, I like to torture the characters. And I used my real name for my own purposes. Please tell me what you think of it, as it is unbetaed.**

"Once upon a time, there was a little girl named Sadie Kane." I said softly. "That girl was THE BIGGEST PEST IN THE UNIVERSE!" I shouted.

"What the bloody Horus am I doing here?" Sadie demanded.

"Shut your freaking mouth, woman. Answer the questions, don't ask." With that, I turned on the light.

Sadie must have been shocked, seeing me look like an evil villain. Well, a twisted version of an evil villain. I was sitting on my bed, stroking my cat. My room was a soft lavender, and I had shut the blinds to make it slightly creepier. The creepy effect failed; instead, it looked like I wanted to take a nap in the middle of the afternoon.

"Tell me who you are." Sadie shouted.

"Shut up and I'll tell you."

Sadie instantly shut up.

"I am Emily, self trained magician, wizard, and demigod. First question: is Annie afraid of emo waffles?"

Sadie gave me a questioning look. "Anubis," I explained.

"Very. Bast sent them after him one time…" she shivered. "It wasn't pretty."

I nodded and wrote down her answer on a notebook. "Question 2: do you think I'm weird?"

She stared at me for a few minutes. "What kind of a question is that?" She burst out.

"It's the kind of question I asked." I said helpfully. "Now answer before I slap you!"

She muttered, "Someone has anger issues."

I gave her a sharp look. "I heard that," I warned.

She looked at the picture behind me. "Yes you are. I mean, a normal person doesn't just capture and interrogate another person!"

I wrote her answer down next to question 2. "Next question."

She interrupted me. "How many questions are there?"

I glared at her. "Watch your tongue, Sadie Kane, because it might just disappear. There are seven questions."

She nodded, satisfied.

"Okay. Question three: what would you say if I made you meet my little brother?"

Sadie looked at me, horrified. Mojo hissed at the mention of my brother. "Behave," I said to Mojo sternly.

"I would say, you have a sibling? That's absolutely horrifying. Spare me the terror of meeting him."

I grinned. "Too late." I opened the door for my brother to enter. He walked in the room.

Sadie backed away from him, an expression of pure terror on her face.

I smiled again. "Sadie, meet Jimmy. Jimmy, meet Sadie Kane."

Jimmy looked at me oddly. "I thought she was a character from a book," he mused out loud.

Sadie frowned at him.

"Jimmy, she's real, as you can see. I mean, how could I have kidnapped her if she wasn't real?"

Jimmy looked at me in horror. "That's against the law!"

Sadie smiled a triumphant smile. "Ha. Return me home or be pressed charges!"

I looked at Jimmy. "Jimmy, go ahead and sing her your parody of Baby."

I took pleasure in causing Sadie pain at this moment in time.

Jimmy started to sing. "I'm Justin Beiber, Beiber, Beiber, can you cure me with cosmetic procedure, cedure, cedure? Help me, I'm having a seizure, seizure, seizure-"

I cut Jimmy off by shoving him out of my room. I glorified in Sadie's traumatized look. "Never, never again," she whispered.

"Okay, onto question four."

Sadie looked at my notebook. "You didn't write down my answer," she pointed out.

I quickly wrote her answer down. "Question four. If Amos married Bast, what would you do?"

Sadie answered with a question. "Why are these so random?"

I slapped her. "Because I want them to be. And don't you dare make fun of that TV show."

She glared at me, rubbed her cheek, and said, "I'd be extremely creeped out and slap them both. And then I'd go blow up some demons."

I wrote Sadie's answer in cursive this time. "Curse cursive," I muttered under my breath.

Suddenly, I heard my mom's voice. "Emily, what's going on?"

I cursed. "Crap." Then I shouted, "Nothing, mom! Just talking to myself!"

"Okay," she called back.

Sadie looked at me, confused. "Your mother doesn't think that's weird?"

I shook my head no. "Question five. What would you think if Carter started going out with Annabeth?"

Sadie thought for a moment. "Can I have some cereal?"

"After you answer my question." I said sharply.

She sighed. Mojo hissed at her. "Mojo, stop it!" I scolded. Mojo looked at me as if to say, _Can I slice her? Pretty please?_

"Mojo, no slicing," I said firmly.

Sadie looked from Mojo to me and back. Finally she shook her head and said, "I would say, who the Horus is Annabeth, and Carter is perfectly fine with Zia."

I nodded and wrote down her answer.

"Now can I have my cereal?" Sadie pleaded.

"Fine." I sighed and walked to my kitchen, fixing a bowl of Raisin Bran.

I carried it back into my room and handed it to Sadie. "I wanted Cheerios," She complained.

I stuck my tongue out at her. "Too bad. You didn't specify. Question six: do you have a stuffed animal bunny?"

Sadie looked guilty before answering, "Yes. Mr. Fluffles."

I shrugged and wrote down her answer. "Last question: what did you think of this quiz?"

She stared at me. "THAT'S THE LAST QUESTION? I thought it was going to be something deeply embarrassing!"

I slapped her. "Don't make me freeze you. Now answer the question!"

She drew her staff for the first time. I immediately froze all but her face. "Answer it," I hissed.

"Fine!" Sadie yelled. "This was the most annoying hour of my life!"

I giggled. "That wasn't the question."

"You are a flippin' freak!" She yelled.

"That's still not the answer to the question," I pointed out helpfully.

"I HATE IT!"

"Okay. Come with me." I unfroze her and led her out of my room, outside, to a tree in my front yard.

"Why are we here?" She demanded. "I should ha-di you!"

"That may be true. Shut up." I held my hands out, on the tree trunk. I whispered the spell to open a portal and specified the coordinates for the Brooklyn House. "Go home."

Sadie jumped through the portal gratefully.

I went back inside, on the computer. "And this is where I show fanfictioners that the Kane Chronicles are real."


	2. Chapter 2: Set and Taylor!

Chapter 2

**A/N: Hello again! I know that you're all sooooo glad to see me-**

**Sadie: not.**

**Ginger: shut up, Sadie. Anyway, I love all your reviews. Thank you to those who reviewed! Please continue to do so! Again, this is really OOC. And also, my POV.**

"God of the color red. God of the desert. God of evil. God of infertility. Very mean guy. All these attributes and more belong to you… Set."

I turned the light on. I was in for the biggest shock of my life… so far.

Set, god of evil, was wearing a white Elvis disco suit.

"Oh my freaking gods, why are you wearing a disco suit?" I burst out.

Set looked at me. "Because I like disco. Is that a problem?"

"Yes. It is. Mojo!" I called. My black-and-white cat leaped onto my bed. I started stroking her, trying to go for the evil look. However, that failed. I'm too nice to be evil.

Set glared at me. "Also, you forgot: I'm the god of disco."

I stared up at my fan. "Awkwardness on your part. Aren't you wondering who I am?"

He shook his head no. "I'm happy not knowing your name. You're creepy enough as it is."

I shrugged. "Too bad. I'm going to tell you anyway. I am Emily, self-trained magician, wizard-"

I was cut off as Set interrupted me. "Wizard? Don't you mean witch?"

I glared at him, giving him my best I'm-watching-you look. He started giggling at this. "Yes, I mean witch, but I mean, come on. Who calls themselves a witch?"

"You do."

"Shut up!" I slapped him. "And demigod." I finished.

"So… why do you have a cat? Bast, is that you?" He peered into Mojo's eyes. She hissed at him and unsheathed her claws.

"Mojo," I warned. I turned towards Set. "Mojo is not Bast. You will back away unless you want your face painfully rearranged."

Set backed away from Mojo. "Are you going to do to me what you did to that little Kane girl?" He questioned suspiciously.

I laughed, and he shivered. "No, no. Nothing like that. I simply wanted to play you a couple of songs, and write down your reactions to them."

He nodded, and I put my iPod on the first song.

To my great misfortune, he started singing along to the song I had put on: Stayin' Alive.

"Well you can tell by the way I use my walk

I'm a woman's man, no time to talk." With that he started disco dancing. I paused the song before I was scarred any further.

"Okay." I shivered. "Remind me to never do that again. Next song." I put on a song my cousin was in love with, a song I had borrowed from her iPod.

Baby, by Justin Beiber.

Set cowered in horror. "Make it stop," he whimpered. I paused it, and he sighed with visible relief. "You know that Horus listens to that?" He questioned. I shook my head no and wrote down his reaction to both songs in the same notebook I had used for Sadie.

"Last song." I put on Mine by Taylor Swift.

He started humming along, and then singing along. I paused it, very extremely shocked. He didn't have a half bad voice- even if it was a falsetto.

He looked at me as if to say, _please put it back on._

Mojo hissed at him.

Set looked taken aback. "Bast, it really is you!" He exclaimed.

I drew my staff and pointed it at his throat. "I will tie you up, freeze you, and send you into the Duat if you don't stop claiming that my cat is Bast."

He shrugged. "Fine."

I wrote down his reaction to the last song. "Now, off with you."

He left my room, and I heard him singing more of Stayin' Alive. "I, I, I, I'm stayin' alive, staying alive. I, I, I, I'm stayin' aliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive!"

"GET OUT!" I screamed.

Set looked hurt, but he disappeared.

I sighed in relief and took my notebook downstairs. I booted up the computer and started typing. "Another chapter in my series of kidnappings."

**A/N: Yes, it might not have been as long as the first. But it's Set. He's short and chaotic.**

**Sadie: O.o**

**Ginger: oh, shut up. Not tallness short, I mean- oh whatever. Please put the words 'lackadaisical potato' in your review if you read this. **

**Sadie: I AM GOING TO HAVE A CEREAL WAR WITH YOU!**

**Ginger: also please tell who you think will win the cereal war.**


	3. Chapter 3:Carter, Meet Mojo

Chapter 3

**A/N: Welcome to the third chapter of my misadventures with the Kane Chronicle characters! Today, I'm going to show you not only what I do with Carter, but also how I get him. And yeah, this story does have a few PJO references. For those who don't know PJO, it stands for Percy Jackson and the Olympians. In the first chapter, I mentioned Annabeth. Annabeth is a daughter of Athena. In this, I mention the Hunt. The Hunt is a group of maidens who follow and tend to Artemis. They vow to never date. I hate dating, so I am going to join as soon as they come for me!**

**On a kind of weird note, remember the cereal war Sadie and me were going to have?**

**Sadie: I changed it to a random war.**

**Ginger: Warning: there is still a lot of OOCness.**

**Sadie: the prune-head eats Bast!**

I walked outside, to my tree. I touched its trunk and opened a blue-purple portal to the Brooklyn House, taking my wand and staff.

I walked through and walked up to the mansion. I rang the doorbell and waited for someone to answer.

Exactly as I had planned (and/or hoped), Carter answered.

I tapped him lightly on the head with my staff and whispered a spell for sleep. He fell to the ground, starting to snore. I dragged him back to my portal and shoved him through. I jumped through, just before it disappeared.

I dragged Carter into the house. "Jimmy!" I called into the hallway.

"Yeah?" He called back.

"Will you help me bring this into my room?"

He walked out of his room, and his eyes widened in horror. "Who is that?"

I shrugged. "Sadie Kane's brother. Now will you please help me? I'll give you some of my gum," I bribed. Now, kids, normally, I do not recommend bribing. It's cheap, it's dirty, and it's cheating. However, in this case, it got the job done. Plus, what's the loss of a few pieces of gum?

He nodded his agreement and started dragging Carter into my room. He arrived, and he dropped Carter to the ground. I winced as Carter's head hit the ground with a dull _thump_. You know, carpet and all?

Jimmy held his hand out. "Pay up," he demanded.

I sighed and brought out two pieces of gum.

Jimmy looked at them, then back at me. "This is all I get?" He cried, outraged.

I rolled my eyes and brought out another piece of gum. He took them and quickly left my room.

I took my wand out again and muttered a spell for waking Carter up. Not my strength, but it took much less time than manually waking him up.

Carter's eyes fluttered open. _If I weren't going to join the Hunt, he would almost be cute._ I thought.

He looked around my room and asked, "Who are you? And where am I?"

"You are at my house, somewhere in the United States. And I am Emily, self-trained magician, wizard, and demigod."

Carter nodded. "And why aren't you at the Brooklyn House if you're a magician?"

I rolled my eyes. "Didn't you hear me? I am a _self-trained_ magician." Mojo leaped up onto my lap.

Carter reached out a hand as if to start petting her. Mojo hissed, as if to say, _Back off, bozo. I am not Bast._

Carter withdrew his hand, looking scared that he understood my cat. "Uh, can I sit somewhere?" He asked tentatively.

I nodded, and pointed to a little chair I had made out of pillows.

He sighed and sat, looking a little deflated.

"Did Sadie tell you about me?" I asked worriedly.

Carter looked confused. "Sadie was here too?"

I nodded. "So was Set. Anyway, I'm doing this differently than with Sadie. You ask me a question and I'll answer it the best I can. You get seven questions."

I got out the notebook that was starting to fill up from my observations of Kane Chronicles characters.

"Okay. Why did you knock me out?"

I wrote down his question while answering. "Because there was no way I could willingly get you to come here. Plus, I like capturing people. I'm kidding," I said as I noticed the strange look he was giving me.

He nodded and let me finish writing down my answer. "Next. What happened when you kidnapped Sadie?"

I bit the eraser of my pencil thoughtfully, and then spit it out. "Eraser tastes horrible."

I wrote down Carter's question, still formulating a short enough answer. Finally, I spoke. "Well, I asked her some really random questions and she answered them. She also asked for cereal."

I wrote down my answer and sighed. "Can we cut this down to five questions? This is going to take forever otherwise."

"Fine. Three: what's your cat's name?"

I blinked, surprised. "Mojo. And no, she's not Bast." I answered the question he was about to ask. I quickly wrote down both question and answer.

"Question number four: what's a wizard?" He asked.

Suddenly, Jimmy burst in. "Hello. Who are you? I'm Jimmy, Emily's brother!"

Carter looked quite relaxed, actually. "I'm Carter Kane. Are you a magician too?"

Jimmy seemed quite confused.

"Jimmy hasn't heard your recordings," I explained quickly. "But yes, he will be a magician soon. I'm going to train him."

Jimmy looked around. "Why do you keep kidnapping these people?"

"Because I need them for a story I'm writing. Besides, I always return them! Now, shoo!" I pushed him out of my room and locked the door.

I saw a note slip under my door. I picked it up to read later. "Anyway, Carter, a wizard… well, this is going to be a bit of a shock to you, but… Harry Potter is real. No, I'm kidding. I'm not a wizard."

He sighed with visible relief. "Last question: can I have a tour of your house?"

I stared at him for a moment. "What the heck? No, you can't. My mom and dad are here. Maybe if you come back another time, but… no. Not right now."

I ushered him out the door, to my tree. "You were much more cooperative than your sister. Thanks for that. Now, get going!" I pushed him through the portal I had created moments ago.

I walked back to my room and opened the note. It read:

_Emily: can I play Blokus with you?_

I opened Jimmy's door. "Sure, buddy. Blokus it is."

After an intense game of Blokus, with me being the winner, I ran downstairs to type up the latest chapter of my… questionings. "Good luck surviving me, Anubis." I said, starting to laugh evilly. "Good luck indeed."


	4. Chapter 4: Annie and the Emo Waffles!

Chapter 4

**A/N: Hello again! I know how you adoring fans have been asking for Anubis. I am here to satisfy your wishes!**

**Sadie: stop the chocolate! It's eating my pumpkins!**

**Ginger: oh, shut it, you bloody git.**

**Sadie: don't you go stealing my thing!**

**Ginger: potatoes ran over my hairbrush. And I'm sorry if this is a little short. I'm doing my best. Also: I need ideas for what to do next. I have characters… just not ideas. Please, help me and supply them! Example: should I introduce more of my own characters, like my OC, Ro? Please, I NEED IDEAS! Again, there is OOCness. And my POV. Also, thank you Arty (Artemis Sagittarius Malfoy) for the emo waffles.**

"Oh, Annie, I've been waiting for you." I chuckled.

Anubis whipped his head about, looking for the sound of my voice. I had decided to do this at night, so my blinds were closed. I turned a fluorescent flashlight on, holding it up to my face as if I were about to tell a scary story.

Slowly, Annie turned towards me. "H- who are you?" He choked out.

I smiled. Oh, I must have looked creepy. Of course, that was the desired effect… "I am Emily, self-trained magician, wizard, and demigod."

He blinked a few times and looked around. "It's dark," he complained. "Will you turn on a light?"

I rolled my eyes and turned on the lamp next to my bed. Anubis sighed in relief. "Afraid of the dark?" I questioned.

He looked at me as if to say, _I'm the god of death and funerals. What do you think?_

I grinned. "I'll take that as a yes."

He moved his hand as if to slap me. I knocked it aside and waggled my pointer finger. "No. Haven't you heard that you're never supposed to hit a girl?"

Annie looked confused at this.

"No? Wow. Sadie really needs to teach you about the modern world. Do you even know what this is?" I asked, waving my flashlight around.

"I'm not an idiot," Anubis said squarely.

"I soooooo believe that. Okay, first question. What do you think of Zarter?"

"I is confuzzled," he said, clearly confuzzled.

"Zia and Carter's names combined," I explained. "Zarter is one of my favoritest couples for Kane Chronicles."

Annie nodded. "Well, I think Carter deserves Zia, and Zia really needs to learn to let out all her built up anger."

I wrote down his answer in my notebook. "Next question. Do you even know what a rutabaga is?"

He stared at me, a hurt look in his eyes. "Of course I do. A rutabaga is one of the little holes you put your shoe laces through."

I laughed at this silly notion. "Not even close. A rutabaga is a root vegetable related to parsnips. One of the main ingredients in a pastie, and also my favorite random word."

I wrote down his answer while giving my explanation. "Question three."

"How many questions are there?" Anubis interrupted. How rude of him!

"You are so much like your girlfriend." I said, rolling my eyes. "There are seven questions. Now, if you'd allow me to continue… question three. Annie, what would you do if you were locked in a closet with Sadie?"

He stared at me as if the answer should be obvious. "I'd make out with her, duh. Now, get me some chocolate."

I stuck my tongue out at him. "No. We don't have chocolate right now, anyway."

Annie gasped. "No chocolate? And don't call me Annie!"

I grinned. "Fine, Nub-nub."

"Only Kabechet can call me that!"

I smiled evilly and wrote down his answer. "Oh, so you admit to having a child? What about Anput? What if I tell HER you said that, huh?"

He winced. "Please, don't tell Sadie or Anput. PLEASE!"

"Fine. But I'm keeping that knowledge as blackmail. Question four: how many fingers am I holding up?" I held my hand up as if to give him a high five.

Anubis rolled his eyes. "Five."

"Wrong! Your thumb isn't a finger!" I took out my mini squirt gun and squirted him.

He spluttered and said, "You imbecile! Fool! You shall pay for this!"

"How much do you want? A quarter?" I asked, holding a quarter out to him.

"Yes, yes I do." Annie started to reach for the quarter.

I quickly snatched it away from him. "Too bad," I said, sticking out my tongue.

I wrote down his answer, as the previous was a question… he was so predictable sometimes. "Question six."

His eyebrows shot up. "What happened to five?"

I smirked. "That last question _was _question five. Okay. So, what do you think would happen if I introduced Sadie to Anput and Kabechet, _Annie_?"

Annie gasped. "I AM NOT ANNIE! But… I think that they would introduce themselves, recognize each other, get into a cat fight, stop, and talk about me."

I nodded and wrote it down. "Very last question. What would you say if I sent some emo waffles after you?"

Annie looked very, very afraid. "I would scream in horror and yell for someone to help me."

I grinned at this. I took out a box and opened it. Three emo waffles jumped out and started hitting Annie. He screamed in horror and yelled, "Someone help me!"

Jimmy ran into my room. "I'll help you!" He saw what he was up against and left the room. Anubis fainted. Jimmy came back with a knife and a fork and started ripping up the waffles.

I blinked, surprised, and wrote down his response. I actually did include Jimmy… just for the fun of it. I waved a bottle of vanilla-coconut lotion under Anubis's nose. "Sadie?" He asked.

"Not even. It's Emily, dimwit!"

Annie looked offended at this.

"Oh, just go back to your girlfriend. In the future, remember, I can torture you much, much worse."

Anubis snapped his fingers and disappeared. "Bye, Annie!" I called.

His head popped back out of nowhere. "Two things. Sadie is not my girlfriend… yet. And I AM NOT ANNIE!"

I pushed his head back into the Duat. I grabbed my notebook and ran down to my computer. Unfortunately, Jimmy was on. "Get off," I demanded.

"I still have twenty minutes. Wait your turn.

_*Twenty minutes later…*_

"Finally!" Jimmy got off the computer. I quickly changed it to my account and wrote down me and Annie's… discussion, shall we say? "Annie, you were lucky, because Zia is up next. And Zia is going to half die of embarrassment. Oh, Zia, have fun surviving me."


	5. AN

**A/N: Man, I suck. ****(Facepalms) No, lemme clarify: school sucks. Homework plus school plus time limit equals barely any updates. Sorry!**


	6. Chapter 5: Zia's Incident

Chapter 5

**A/N: Hello! Sorry for such the long wait, I had a dance camp, so I couldn't get on for very long, and then school started. Aaaaaanyway… this is the chapter where I kidnap Zia! Oh, how lovely! And the real name of this chapter is Zia and the Incredibly Embarrassing Incident.**

**Sadie: Winnebago funky chicken, Jamaican banana man! **

**Ginger: toilet chocolate got nothing on chipmunks. I think Sadie is looking forward to Zia's kidnapping. I'm pleased to say that I'll also be introducing Ro, my OC come to life.**

**Ro: hello! I have an account! Come check it out! My penname is I'mRoIExist!**

**Ginger: yeah yeah yeah. Now, onward with the story!**

**Ro: wait! You've forgotten to do a disclaimer all these times, so I'll do it for you! Gingerroot15 does not own the Kane Chronicles. She does not own me either.**

**Ginger: I do too! I made you! **

**Ro: yeah, suuuuuuuure. Anyway, on to the story!**

**Ginger: that's my line. I'm going to give you the chapter now! Remember: OOCness. My POV. Please review!**

Zia opened her eyes sleepily. "C… Carter?"

I smiled and shook my head no. "You're not at the Brooklyn House, Zia. Or Egypt for that matter. You're at my house!"

A jolt ran through her body. She drew her wand and staff at me. "Who are you, and where is your house?"

I drew my own wand and staff and knocked hers aside. "I'm Emily, self-trained magician and demigod. My house is in the United States, and that's all you need to know."

Zia glared at me and picked up her staff and wand again. "Do not threaten me again," I warned. "Follow me."

I took her downstairs and started to boot up my computer.

She glanced around and said, "Why are we here? What are you going on?"

By that time I had logged onto Fanfiction. "You'll see in just a moment." I also brought up a Word document with my prerecorded questions. She took a look at those, but I slapped her face away. She rubbed her (probably) stinging cheek and asked, "What in the name of Ma'at are those?"

I glared at her. "Stop asking questions," I said pointedly. I brought Fanfiction back up and brought up one of I'mDifferent-get-over-it's stories about Zarter. "First question: what do you think about this, and how people write about you and Carter?"

After seven minutes of reading she answered, "It sickens me! Me and Carter are free to do whatever we want!"

I shrugged and typed her response, something I was much quicker at doing then I was at writing. Hwevr, I ws pron too mistaks mor esily.

"Question two: do you know what kind of magician I am, and are you wondering?"

"No, of course I don't!" Zia burst out angrily. "I just met you five minutes ago! And yes," she admitted. "I'm slightly curious. But just so I know what kind of magic will defeat you," she warned.

"I'm a water elementalist. But I might be turning into an animal charmer, or a diviner." I admitted. It was a secret I had told few people… gah! What was I doing, putting it on here? Oh well.

She nodded. "So fire, shabti, and combat are best." She muttered absentmindedly.

Of course, I wasn't going to tell her I had heard that, and that no, my weaknesses were necromancy and _sau_ magic.

"Question three: if I told you that I've already interviewed Sadie, Set, Carter, and Anubis, what would you do?"

"Slap you, probably choke you a little bit, and bring you back to the Brooklyn House for judgment." Zia said with satisfaction.

I shivered. _Don't ever let me tell her I have._

I quickly typed her answer. "Four: if I let you read one of my stories- specifically a Jalt to Jarter songfic story… would you do it?"

"What are Jalt and Jarter?"

"Jalt is Jaz and Walt. Jarter is Jaz and Carter."

Zia's eyes widened. "Gah! Jarter sounds terrible. But I would read it."

_Ten minutes later…_

Zia shivered. "It was good. Almost eerie how you described us so well, but all the same, still good. Never write something like that again." She scolded.

"Yes, mum." I replied, using something from Song of the Lioness, specifically from the Immortals.

"Don't do that either."

"Do what, mum?" I asked teasingly.

Zia drew her wand and staff again. I snapped my fingers and they disappeared into the Duat. "Ah ah ah. That's a no-no, Zia. My turf, my rules."

"I didn't _want_ to be here in the first place!" Zia burst out angrily.

I smiled. "Too bad. Question five: everyone is convinced that Mojo here…" I pointed to Mojo, who was being petted by me. "Is possessed by Bast. Is she?"

Zia took a moment to look at Mojo. She looked back up at me and shook her head no. "As far as I can tell, no. You should ask an animal charmer to be sure, though."

I nodded and typed her answer to both questions. "Six: I'm going to get my brother down here. You have to watch him for as long as I tell you… which may be as long as five minutes… but afterwards I'll send him away. He gets to do whatever he wants. What do you think of him, after he's done?"

Zia shrugged. "Bring him down and I'll tell you."

"JIMMY!" I shouted upstairs. "GET YOUR SORRY BUTT DOWN HERE!"

Jimmy came running down. "What do you want?"

"Do whatever you want to Zia."

He grinned. "Beans, beans, the magical fruit. The more you eat, the more you toot." He chanted. "The more you toot, the better you feel, so eat your beans at every meal!"

Zia facepalmed.

"Oh Tim the toad, oh Tim the toad, why are you lying in the road?" Jimmy started to sing, to the tune of 'Oh Christmas Tree'. "You used to beeeeee so green and fat, but now you aaaaare all black and flat. Oh Time the toad, oh Tim the toad, why are you lying in the road?"

She now put her head in her hands.

"Okay Jimmy, that's enough. GO BACK UPSTAIRS!"

He put his hands on his hips and walked away. "I'm only leaving because I want to." He smirked.

"Just GO!"

Zia said, "Well, that was absolutely embarrassing."

I typed her answer.

"Last question: have you ever heard Rihanna?" I asked carefully.

Zia looked confused. "What is 'Rihanna'?"

I shook my head no. "When you get home, go on to Youtube and search Rihanna."

"What is 'Youtube'?"

I facepalmed. "Just go home." I opened a glowing purple portal and she stepped through.


	7. Chapter 6: Walt, the Kitten?

**A/N: HAH! I'M FINALLY UPDATING!**

**Meh. I don't own KC. AND I'M INTRODUCING RO! I'VE REVERTED TO SIMPLY TORTURING PEOPLE, BECAUSE IT'S FUN!**

**OOCNESS! HUMOR! FLYING BANANAS!**

I slowly turned the light dial on. My brother played his bass, doing the Jaws theme. _Duh-duh. Duh-duh. Duh-duh, duh-duh, duh-duh, duh-duh. Duh-duh duh-duh duh-duh duh-duh, duuuuuh… duh._

Walt cringed. "Who are you?" He whimpered.

Ro said eerily, "Your worst nightmare." I suddenly put the light on full blast, blinding Walt.

I must have looked like an angel; Jimmy was dressed in a Grim Reaper costume, while Ro was invisible, thanks to a spell I had put on her.

Actually, I was dressed in an angel costume. So I legitimately did look like an angel.

Walt, terrified, glanced around frantically. "I'm serious. Who are you?"

I smiled a beautiful smile, hoping to calm him down. I shouldn't have let Ro join me in this. I made a mental note to myself to send her to the library when I kidnapped someone next. "My name is Emily," I said kindly.

"Oh. Hi, Emily." Walt said nervously. He looked around, probably for some way to escape.

"Walt?" I said. "I want you to know: I've already magically locked all the exits. And drained your magic."

His face paled. "You… you drained my magic?"

I nodded, but now I felt guilty. "It'll come back after I let you go," I promised. I unconsciously fingered the key to his magic: a favorite bobby pin of mine.

"Okay. Good." He wiped sweat off his face.

I grinned. "Okay. Time to torture you. Ever heard of Wanubis?"

"No… what is it?" He replied warily.

"It's a pairing. Of you and Anubis."

Walt fainted at this.

I grabbed a bottle of vanilla coconut hand lotion. "Never thought that Walt was a pansy." I waved the bottle under his nose.

"S… Sadie?" He groaned.

Offended, I slapped him. "WHY DOES EVERYONE CONFUSE ME WITH SADIE? I AM NOT THAT BRAT!"

Walt shot straight up. "Good gods! I'm sorry! Don't slap me again! Take Mr. Fluffles instead!" He held out a battered rabbit stuffed animal.

Remembering a conversation from a week ago, I said, "… Mr. Fluffles. Sadie's stuffed animal bunny. You have that how, exactly?"

"Eh… the Internet?" he tried sheepishly.

I narrowed my eyes. "You're a smart aleck." So I froze him.

Ro slowly revealed herself, her short blonde hair shimmering in the bright light. "Well, hello, Walt." She smiled.

Walt whipped around and spotted Ro. His face paled for the second time that day. "Ro? Wha… what are you doing here?"

I gaped at Ro, completely confused. How did Walt know my OC?

Ro waved me off, talking to Walt. "I live here."

"Whoa. Hold on just a minute." I interrupted. "How do you two know each other?"

Ro grinned. "He emailed me after he read my story."

"Uh… um… uh…" That, for the first time in a long time, left me speechless. I regained my composure and said, "Walt, you… have an account?"

"No," he replied. "I used an anonymous review. DyingMagician was the name."

"I… uh…"

Ro intervened. "Look. Emily, why don't you go and type up what you've got, and I'll talk with Walt."

That sobered me up. "Nuh-uh. This is _my_ kidnapping. Ro, get going or feel the power of the _Animalia_ kingdom."

Ro ran out of the house, probably to visit her best friend, Lia.

"Okay, Walt." I smiled, rubbing my hands together. "How would you feel if I… put on some music?"

Walt smiled a huge smile. "Oh, I _love_ music!"

Good gods. Walt was a tomgirl. I grabbed my iPod from the shelf and plugged it in. Boulevard of Broken Dreams by Green Day blasted out. Of course, it was the instrumental version, played by my school's eighth grade orchestra. The lyrics were… not the best. Plus, I liked the orchestra's version a lot better.

To my great surprise, Walt fainted. Again.

"Seriously?" I muttered. "Green Day makes him faint? Complete pansy." I grabbed a bottle of 'Fresh Rain' bath salts that I would use as smelling salts. I waved them under his nose.

"Jaz?" he muttered. "Is that you?"

I put my hands on my hips. "My gods. People think I'm a Kane Chronicles character." With that I slapped him.

Walt rubbed his most-likely-stinging cheek. "Ow. My gods." He said in a whiny voice. "What the Horus was that for?"

I glared. "You confused me with first Sadie, now Jaz. I AM NOT A CHARACTER, ALL RIGHT? I AM MY OWN PERSON!"

Walt, creeped out, slowly backed away. "Easy, Emily, easy. Calm down."

"NO." I growled. "I WILL NOT CALM DOWN. I AM SO FREAKING SICK AND TIRED OF BEING CONFUSED WITH SADIE, OR JAZ, OR A MURDERER."

Walt uneasily shifted his weight. "You just have a lot of stuff that Sadie and Jaz use," he tried.

"I. DO NOT. CARE." I brought out my wand and staff and let my anger out. Where Walt had previously been standing, there was now a kitten. I picked it up and stroked it; it was a dark brown tabby, with blue eyes. It let out a soft cry, telling me that it wanted milk pronto. "Sorry, Walt. You're going to be a human again." I muttered a spell, and Walt sitting in my lap instead of the kitten. I jumped up, shaking him off.

"Never, ever, _ever_ do that again." I hissed.

"Do what?" Walt cried, outraged.

"Sit in my lap. Now, get out of my house."

Walt happily left.

I realized something with a sigh. "I barely even tortured him."

I ran downstairs and booted up the ol' computer as fast as possible. I whistled a random tune I made up on the spot, then added words. "Oh, I might be crazy, I might be insane, but I know one thing for sure… we've all gone mad."


	8. Chapter 7: Jaz Starts a Mafia Game

**A/N: OMIGODS I AM SO SO SORRY! I haven't updated in what feels like months… well, I don't own Kane Chronicles…**

I smirked at Jaz and pulled off her blindfold and gag. The first thing she did was take in her surroundings. She was calm, which was unnerving. People who are kidnapped shouldn't be calm. "Why are you so calm?" I demanded.

Jaz narrowed her eyes at me. "Why shouldn't I be?"

"Um, you've been kidnapped?" I pointed out.

"Yes. I have. Your point is?"

"… Never mind." I pulled out a sketch of Zia I had done. "First question: does this look like Zia?"

Jaz took it and thought for a moment. "Sorta. The haircut's not quite right- too long, and it should be more wedge shaped. And you need to work on faces. And hands. And feet. But yeah, it's pretty close."

"Uh, thanks, I think?" By this time, I had thought to enchant a pencil to write down people's responses. "Question two. Do you know any animal charmers?"

"One of the new trainees is considering being an animal charmer, but she's leaning more towards _sau_… why?"

"Crap. BECAUSE MY CATS WON'T STOP BUGGING ME, THAT'S WHY!" I shouted.

Jaz blinked. "Alrighty then. Am I allowed to ask a question?"

I sighed and rolled my eyes. "Must you?"

"Well, I noticed that you can't seem to keep still. Do you have ADHD?" Jaz asked kindly.

"I really don't know. I've noticed that I can't stop moving, but I can concentrate very well. Well, except when I zone out. But that only happens when I'm reading!" I amended.

Jaz shrugged. "Okay. I'm satisfied."

I smirked. "Good. Now, are you as addicted to your guitar as everyone thinks?"

She furrowed her eyebrows. "Who said I had a guitar? I'm pretty sure Carter didn't put that in The Throne of Fire… and how do you know that I have one?"

"My friends developed your personality and decided that you have a guitar and love Taylor Swift."

Jaz raised an eyebrow.

"Really!" I protested.

She shrugged. "I like my guitar, but I can live without it."

I gave the pencil a few minutes to scribble down the reactions; a faint _scratch-scratch_ could be heard in the background. "Question four: Heart or mind?"

Jaz looked at me curiously but answered, "Heart, I guess."

"Five: do you prefer fables or poems?"

"Um… I like both, but I guess I'd say fables, because not only are they well written, they teach a lesson too."

I nodded. "You seem like a well-educated girl. Do you speak any other languages besides English?"

Jaz laughed. "You mean besides Text-speak and Hieroglyphs? No."

"Last thing. When you get home, I want you to ask all the people at the Brooklyn House to join you in a game of Mafia. When it's your turn to narrate, if someone is killed, I want you to say that they were killed 'by a drunk guinea pig with a chainsaw'."

Jaz nodded slowly at the strange request.

"All right, you can go now." I said. "And be glad I was fairly normal to you." I opened a portal on my mirror and Jaz stepped through.

_At the Brooklyn House, later…_

I watched the link to the camera some crazy fangirl had hidden in the Brooklyn House's living room. "Hey, guys," Jaz said to the general populace. "Anyone up for a game of Mafia?"

Felix shot straight up. "Heck yeah."

Carter shrugged. "I guess."

Sadie's face was decorated with a look of confusion. "What's Mafia? I mean, I know what they are, but there's a game called Mafia?"

Julian stared at Sadie with a look of utter disbelief. "You've _never_ heard of Mafia? That's just sad, Sadie. Sad."

Sadie looked offended. "Well, excuse me for having grown up in England! Would someone mind explaining?"

Walt shrugged. "Guess not. The way we always played it, you have a narrator. The narrator chooses a doctor and a mafia. But no one except the person who was chosen knows who's who, besides the narrator. The narrator will ask the mafia to kill someone, and then the doctor to save someone. The rest of the citizens will then wake up, and the narrator will give a story about one person who has or nearly died." He paused to let all that sink in, and Sadie nodded. "Then, the citizens vote on who they think is the mafia. The mafia themselves is not allowed to vote for anyone. Then, when one person has been decided on, they are given a chance to defend themselves. If the citizens still view them as guilty, they are killed off. If that actually is the mafia, the citizens win. If not, you keep playing until everyone dies or the mafia wins."

Sadie nodded. "Let's start playing."

"I'll be narrator." Jaz announced. Carter, Sadie, Walt, Felix, Julian, Alyssa, Sean, and Cleo all gathered in a circle around Jaz. "You can sit," she rolled her eyes at Sadie. "Everyone, go to sleep. Yes, Sadie, that means close your eyes." Jaz said, exasperated. "I am now choosing the mafia." She repeated over and over. Finally, she tapped Cleo.

"I am now choosing the doctor." Jaz kept repeating. She tapped Carter early, but kept saying that to throw people off. "Mafia, please wake up."

Cleo sat up and opened her eyes.

"Mafia, who would you like to kill?"

Cleo grinned and wordlessly pointed to Julian.

"Are you sure?" Jaz asked, to make sure she had the right person.

Cleo nodded.

"Mafia, please go back to sleep. Doctor, please wake up."

Carter opened his eyes immediately.

"Doctor, who would you like to save?"

Carter thought for a moment before pointing to Alyssa.

"Are you sure?"

He nodded breathlessly.

"Doctor, please go back to sleep. Everyone, please wake up." Jaz called calmly.

Everyone opened their eyes, the suspense of the game clear in their faces.

"Last night, Julian Hall was killed." Jaz started.

Julian groaned. "Really? REALLY?"

Jaz glared at him. "He was walking to the… grocery store… and took a… erm, shortcut, through a dark alley. Unfortunately, he met the mafia, who then proceeded to sic a drunk guinea pig with a chainsaw on him. After that… well, the rest is downhill." Jaz finished. "Julian, please go sit on the couch and observe."

The rest of the game continued, and eventually, Cleo won. I grinned at this. _Proof that strength of mind is certainly just as important as, if not more than, strength of body. You go, girl._


	9. Chapter 8: Oh Look, I Died

I paced around the room, trying to keep myself warm. Finally, I gave in and shivered. "Brrr." Felix's dorm was freezing! I grabbed a blanket and wrapped it around myself, wand and staff at ready.

I must have fallen asleep, because I woke up to a penguin slapping me. "Gah!" I jumped up.

Felix, a full foot and a half shorter than me, glared with such intensity I was surprised he didn't drill a hole in my head. "What are you-"

He was cut off as I whacked him with the head of my staff. He crumpled to the ground, unconscious. No sense in using magic if I don't have to. I opened a portal, grabbed Felix, shoved him through, and stepped through myself.

We arrived in my room, and I rifled through my drawer until I found what I wanted. I grinned, uncorked a small vial, and waved it under Felix's nose. He shot right up. "Yuck! Gross! What the heck was that?"

"Calm down," I ordered. "I've got something to make it better." I grabbed another larger vial and a dropper. "Open your mouth." He hesitated before opening it. I placed three drops of the mixture on his tongue; I could visibly see him relaxing.

"What were those?" he asked serenely.

"The first one is a pick-me-up, and it works better than coffee. The second one is a brew of my own; it relaxes you and counters the pick-me-up."

Felix shrugged. "Whatever." Suddenly, he was on edge again. "Where am I?"

How to answer? "Somewhere in the U.S. of A. My name is Emily."

"I want back at the Brooklyn House," Felix whined.

That snapped me. I was so sick and tired of Ro's wants, Jimmy's questions, my friends' completely ignoring me. "Well, that's too gosh darn bad, now isn't it? You're stuck here with me until I decide to let you go." I spat angrily.

Felix's lower lip quivered, and I immediately hugged him, feeling immensely guilty. This just creeped him out more, and he pushed me away,

"Can I at least have some food?" Felix asked quietly.

I tried to smile. "Of course. What would you like?"

"Fruit."

"… Fruit?" I repeated. "What kind of fruit?"

Felix shook his head no. "No, no, not fruit, Fruit."

There was no sound difference between the two, but I decided to play along with it. "Okay, Felix. Fruit it is."

When I walked into the kitchen, a fruit I had never seen before sat on the counter. I furrowed my eyebrows and gave it to Felix.

"You have to cut it," he told me. I got the feeling he was doing this to make my life miserable.

I sighed and took out a cutting board. I grabbed a large knife and started sawing away.

The sharp, pointy utensil didn't make a dent in the thing.

I frowned and tried again; this time, the knife slipped and cut me instead. "Fudge," I hissed, and Felix said, "Try using magic." I sighed and envisioned a cut-up Fruit.

When I looked down, I was shocked and angry. Yes, it worked, but… "Really? REALLY? ALL THAT FOR ONE STINKING SLICE?"

Felix ate it in one bite. "Yum."

That's when the inhabitants of the Brooklyn House (plus Set) appeared in the hall of my house. "Whoa!" I shouted. "How'd you get here?"

"Penguins," Carter said, as if that explained everything.

Sadie glared daggers at me. "You tortured us. You _kidnapped_ us."

I grinned. "It was fun."

She ha-died me.

I spent three days as a _ba_; the Duat didn't have internet, so I had my necromancer friend Lia bring me back, while Ari, Ro's little sister, had healed my body.

"Ha-hah, not dead." I smirked triumphantly at the computer. And I wrote the account of my story.

THE END

(Yaaaaaaaaay)

**A/N: I bet you're wondering why I put it down here. :3 I just did, okay? I don't own KC.**

**Now, I have good news and… um, other news. The other news is: this is the last chapter. No more We Have Gone Mad. Sorry.**

**However, the good news? I'm making a Percy Jackson version of this. It'll be called… Huh? I'VE BEEN KIDNAPPED!**

**It'll be told from my POV, as this was, and I may recruit Jimmy and some of my PJO OCs to help me. :D See you all soon, I hope!**

**-Ginger out, peace y'alls**


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